Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Lost finale: Are we more lost than before?

No spoiler alerts, folks. I despise 'em. Besides, if you're a true fan you've already seen the season finale of "Lost."

Here's my take on what's going on with the island gang, in their order of appearance on (hey, I had to pick some type of logic for my list, and this one made as much sense as the show itself.) Just consider this an open letter with some very good suggestions for the show's writing staff on what we want to see happen next season.

Sayid: He killed Ben but he didn't kill Ben. He got shot and will surely die but oh wait may not really die because everything that happened may not ever happen since "the incident" now never really happened.

Wha-wha-what!? (Insert needle off the record sound effect here.) It's a complete and utter mess, I know, but my guess is that we won't get rid of Sayid that easily. Besides, if he's dead, who will head the Guatemala chapter of Habitat for Humanity?

Jack: All of the sudden Jack has climbed on board Locke's "everything is our destiny" bandwagon and thinks that the island wants him to right all of the wrongs of the past. But maybe what Jack considers wrong is really what the island thinks is right?

And can we now say that the will of the island is really the will of Jacob since we've gotten a little peek at him and his meddling ways?

Hugo: Still fat but no longer filthy rich, he remains a constant source of comedy relief - and perhaps the only real constant on or off the island.

Sawyer: He's bedded the two hottest women on the island (since Maggie Grace was killed off two seasons or so ago). In light of this fact, as far as I'm concerned everything that Sawyer does is GOLDEN.

I sincerely hope he can still hook back up with Juliet again whether they remember each other or not next season. That pairing just seemed to make a whole lot of sense. Having him chase after Kate again would seem contrived.

Jin: Always a bad ass and remarkable at quickly picking up a new language, Jin will be reunited soon with Sun. To do otherwise would cause mass rioting amongst the "Lost" faithful.

Sun: A little bitter since she left the island, hopefully reuniting with her husband will temper her anger a bit (see previous entry).

Kate: Let's just say what everyone is thinking: Just go back with Jack and stop torturing us all! The love triangle is sooo season three.

Locke: Well it looks like the real Locke really is dead - but are we supposed to buy into the whole shape shifting impersonator story line?

And who is Jacob's nemesis anyway? And where did those two come from? Obviously next season we'll find out the answer, but did we really need to pose such major questions this late into the series?

Claire: At this point she's been out of the picture so long I'm not sure I even care anymore. I do want Kate to find her and reunite her with Aaron, though. A promise is a promise. On a side note, did anyone think that Claire's mom was a little on the young side? She could have been Claire's slightly older and hotter sister. Just sayin'.

Charlie: Oh, Charlie, I miss you so. We didn't get enough "back from the dead" guest appearances from you this season. By the way, are they ever going to tell us why Hurley sees dead people? Did Cuse, Lindelof and Abrams watch "The Sixth Sense" too many times?

Ben: Ben got bitch-slapped a lot this season, which was niiice. I like having him around just to see people like Desmond kick the shit out of him. I think he should have a bruise, cut, or splint in every episode, kind of like the ubiquitous band-aid sported by Les Nesman on "WKRP in Cincinnati."

Desmond: Des, let me just sat that you are one bad-assed dude. You have time traveled, sailed the world, gotten shot and lived, and battled an evil multi-millionaire, and still ended up with the girl of your dreams. Can you tell that I can't ever get enough of Desmond - which means that they will probably kill him off early next season. Perhaps even before the opening credits.

Juliet: Keep wearing those white tank tops and bending over to pick things up and you'll be just fine. Plus it's good for the ratings.

And don't give up on Sawyer so easily. Jeez, she folded like a house of cards as soon as Kate showed up. Did anyone else think that seemed a bit out of character? At least she was able to detonate the bomb down in the well to remind us that she's no wimp. Oh, she'll be back next season. They can't kill Juliet that easily. The "love quad" will live on.

Shannon: If the incident never happens and the plane never crashes then she's still alive, right? ABC, please just give us one more sunbathing bikini scene...

Boone: You can stay dead.

Vincent the dog: Does anyone really care about the dog anymore? I did at one time but now I'm over the little mutt.

Walt: The show at one time seemed to revolve around him but he's barely a footnote now. Is this by design or poor story development? Walt is one loose end that drives viewers more crazy than the origin of the smoke monster.

Daniel Faraday: He's too interesting to kill off and too knowledgeable about the island to lose. He has to come back next season. He is the professor to Jack's skipper.

Miles: He became a lot more likable this year but does little to advance the plot, so I'm sure they'll bring him back next season just to irritate me.

Mr. Eko: Does he walk the island along with the other dead characters? And why? Do the dead characters hang out together and think of ways to torture the living ones? Could be a spin-off show.

Ana Lucia: Her cameo this season was spot-on, but we don't need to see any more of her midriff bearing antics.

Libby: Please bring back Hugo's love interest. The poor guy is overweight, recently poor, and it doesn't look like his "Empire Strikes Back" script will ever make it back to the mainland. Throw the guy a bone, will ya?

Rose and Bernard: They're living on the beach in seclusion all lovey dovey and don't have a care in the world. They don't even mind if they die in a nuclear holocaust. A little too neat and tidy, but I guess it works for me. Could Bernard please fashion a comb out of a coconut husk and tame that wild hairdo, though? Whoof!

Richard Alpert: Let us in on who he is, how old he really is, and what his true purpose is already. We can handle the truth.

Charlotte: You knew once she died that Daniel wasn't far behind. He had nothing left to live for.

Tom: Am I the only one that wants a little back story on "Mr. Friendly?" And why he throws a football like a girl?

Rousseau: Okay, we saw young Rousseau go nutty but we don't know why. A little help, here?

Jack's Dad: The undead need to be explained thoroughly early in season six or we're all going to smash in our plasma screens.

Okay, I'm pretty far down the list on Internet Movie Database and there are still a boatload of characters I haven't mentioned. I guess I don't really care about the rest of them.

By way of conclusion I'll say that there definitely is a hole in my life every Wednesday night until next season's premiere that won't easily be filled by DVR'd episodes of "Entourage" and "Tru Blood." I will, however, find some way to carry on until then.

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